Miscarriages Suck (just stating the obvious)
There…I said it. And so many people will think that this title is too abrasive or too blunt, but I ask you, can you say it doesn’t suck? Cancer sucks right? And there are a bunch of other things that suck too but maybe stating it that way isn’t the popular route and I simply don’t care about popular. I am here to voice my thoughts and add value by doing so. How? Because there are a handful of people out there that think like me and I’m willing to be the spoken or written voice for them and attempt to motivate
them toward a higher thinking on certain issues.
So…down to the nitty gritty. Annie and I were pregnant, and then we weren’t…due to a miscarriage. It was her first time, and mine, being pregnant and evidently this miscarriage thing is as common as leaves falling off the trees in autumn. Annie is about to be 40 and I am 35, yet we have been absolutely blown away by how common this is…astounded even. From published statistics to what a doctor has stated, it seems 30% to 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage…many of those are miscarriages women have prior to even knowing they are pregnant.
I’m not a doctor, and I don’t want to be one so we’ll stick to the opinion and emotion side of things. When we found out we were having a baby we were scared for a few hours and then we remembered that we had planned this. We were extremely excited, along with slightly nervous and anxious, but the amazing reaction from family and friends online and off line was beyond words…you guys made us feel so loved and cared about that we thought how amazing it was going to be to have a baby with all of you on the journey with us.
Then, it happened…a miscarriage. Annie has had some emotion over it for very obvious reasons…I did as well, although, after thinking about it for half a day or so we realized that there was one bad thing from this and numerous good things. The bad thing was the miscarriage itself…the good things were 1) we found out all of our plumbing works 2) we found out how supported we were by you guys and how loved that baby would be 3) how much closer Annie and I felt 4) that miscarriage is extremely common so women should not feel guilt or fault and 5) we feel this one may not have been meant to be (the whole nature thing you know?).
Bottom line is this…if you’ve gone through a miscarriage…we now know how you feel and you’re not alone. As I stated above this is a SUPER common thing, it’s still sad but take solace in that. Lastly, even though I am not the most positive person ALL the time, I keep trying to focus on those things that I have power over versus things I do not. I have the power to focus on the negative thing, in this case the miscarriage, or I can attempt to focus my thoughts on all those positive things I shared above. Life is good when we get out of the way and let it be…listen to my words or don’t, I just ask that you find comfort in something…share your story, focus on family and friends, focus on your significant other…there is comfort to be found, so find it.
P.S. I really do want to send a very sincere thank you to the hundreds of people that commented on the news of us being pregnant, and all those hundreds of people that did so again when they heard the not great news of miscarriage. Your support has been truly beyond words. The power of a community is fantastically outstanding!
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I’m sorry Matt. No more words. Just Sorry.
Thank you Jon, I really appreciate it. Good point, there are no words…but you know, that’s okay!! Thanks again my friend!!
Went through this 2 years ago. Miscarriages suck – sorry Matt and Annie.
Well said Jon Henry:….no words…. spiritually with you both! {tight hugs}
Indeed they do Veronique…it is somehow comforting to know we aren’t alone though!! Thank you.
As you know Matt and Annie, I was pretty excited by the prospect of #babyliberty. My enthusiasm, so much so, achieved me honorary “Uncle” status to come. When you told me Annie had lost the baby, I was sad and really upset. In fact, had a good little cry. Then I just followed your lead Matt. You picked yourself up, you are grateful for what you do have and are thankful there are no medical issues attached. You know I love you guys, I have even more respect for you having seen you go through something that really “SUCKS” and then come out even stronger as a couple and as nice people.
Please know you have my unwavering support and love!
Thank you Jeannette!! You rock, always put a smile on my face!!
Uncle Dave…that title is still to come my friend!! We love ya back and super big time appreciate all the supprt you are sending from Campbell River my friend!! Thank you!!
Well, Matt — there you go again, being all open and positive and stuff. Nobody does it like you, my friend.
I learn things from you and a few others every week, I swear. Proud to know you. Onward and upward!
Uncle Paul
Cheers Uncle Paul, I appreciate the words. I figure that I have thoughts and ideas, and putting them out there in the world the way that I do as an individual is my job…so to speak.
Thanks for reading, and commenting…the support is amazing!
You will be successful next time with your indomitable spirit. I hope writing about it helps with the emotion of it all. Mary Ann and I are behind you 100% (but I still don’t change diapers).
Thanks Pops…the writing does help, a lot. Not only to get it off my chest but to hear from others, which is great. No worries on the diapers, I am sure you will help out in other ways!! :-)
Well since we’re all reserving our titles, I want to be Mamma Baer! …. there! Boo-Yah! it’s been documented.
Love the outlook in life Matt; you guys have shown to be loving, strong & optimist; and that’s how #usguys roll! ….we lean on each other and together we move on!
Good things will come! In the mean time; we’re here for you!
Love that title Jeannette!!! Perfect!
And I love the support of the #usguys community and other comm unities that are so incredibly compassionate and passionate. Cheers, and thank you again!
You are an amazing person.
Happy to know you Matt.
<3 Peggy
Ahh Peggy, thank you. I will take your compliment, although I am not a fan of compliments coming my way. I appreciate you!
Sorry to hear this news. When we were 1st “expecting” we were given quick advice from my wife’s Momma to “hush.” Her advice, (and something a 1st time dad never knows) was to keep it quiet until baby had gone 6-8 weeks. Evidently, it’s all rocky in first trimester and lots of mayhem can ensue.
Yes it’s common, and yes you’re right to look to the positive side of this. You did nothing wrong, and you have much to be hopeful for.
Best of fortunes to you both in the road ahead.
Hey Ski…thanks for the comment. That was something I questioned, whether or not to let people know what we were going through. being pregnant that is. One problem for us, having a wine blog and being out in the public a lot, is that the minute someone would see Annie without a wine glass the rumors would start. On top of that, I’m an open book…fortunately or unfortunately, just who I am.
However, I do, to some degree, agree with the waiting to tell…and that is probably best for a lot of people. Would have been difficult for us.
Thank you VERY much for your good wishes Ski, I really do appreciate that!
My loved friends Matt & Annie,
You two continue to amaze me with your strength and weakness.
Your honesty of emotions draw others close to you and leave a confidence of trust.
I appreciate and respect you both.
Common… YES!
My oldest Daughter (1 in February 2011) and myself (3 in 1987, 1988)
Rest with Peace little Angles
If you need anything, please don’t hesitate. :)
Love & Admiration,
Wendy
Wendy, thanks for your openness as well. I struggle to not be open with life…it is what it is and we all go through things. By keeping silent we can’t get the support of our communities, so I say share from the highest mountain top. Thank you for your very supportive words, much appreciated!!
I’m so sorry for you both. It is difficult thing to experience and sad to say, common. Blessings to you both.
Thank you Shawn, we appreciate it. Doing well my friend.
Matt..It is really great to see the support you’re getting from the online world…I don’t know if it helps, but hopefully it does comfort you and Annie knowing that you guys are in our thoughts through the good times and bad times!
Aunt Lily
Oh, Matt. Oh, Annie. I love you guys. I’m sorry. Truly.
Sometimes even I don’t know quite what to say. Just, the simple honesty of this post makes me love and respect you all the more.
My heart sank for a moment, so felt the disappointment for you and Annie, and appreciate you sharing your journey through pregnancy with all of us – it’s an amazing process – for some, it happens quickly – for others – it takes more time – but, it for sure results, in another important chapter of your life story – a huge hug ~ the way you are able to stay present and willing to all of the ups and downs is what makes you such an extraordinary person and ultimately, an extraordinary father as well -
Aunt Lily, it absolutely does help, and to be honest it’s pretty overwhelming that so many people are so kind and supportive. It’s very appreciated and it reminds me that there really are good people out there. Thank you!!
Jackie…I hear you completely, sometimes it isn’t what’s said, it’s simply showing you are there. Thank you, you’ve been awesome and supportive for a long time!! Cheers to you!
Sam…you are always amazing with words and kindness. I appreciate you for that, a lot! It’s been a fantastic journey and I have no regrets or anything, it’s those ups and downs that make us who we are and I can still look in the mirror and be happy with who I am. Thank you so much for the amazing support!!
My wife and I are part of the “club” too. It happened with our first pregnancy, yet here we are 2 beautiful boys later. We too were blown away upon learning how common miscarriages are. Everyone we spoke to about this either knew someone or had one (or two!) themselves. Then you start reading the stats and stuff online and it’s just mind blowing how common, yet understated, miscarriages are. I’m glad you voiced your experience for this reason, in that many couples need to know that nothing is wrong with them, nor did they do anything wrong, miscarriages are just more common than you would think. The positive is, like you said, at least you know your plumbing works. My prevailing thought looking back on the experience – I can’t imagine my life any different than it is now. A miscarriage led to my two boys, and my two boys are my everything. So, whatever crazy winding road got me and my wife here, we are hear and it’s exactly where we want to be. Sounds like you have your head in the right place and I wish you and Annie nothing but the best going forward.
Brad…so awesome to hear your thoughts, indeed, crazy how common. I hope more people will have the discussion because it is nothing to be ashamed of at all. Annie and I were pretty heart broken initially but I/ we are more inclined to look at what we can and can’t control…and work forward from there. I’m very happy for you and your wife, and your two boys…that is fantastic!!
Thanks again for being open about your situation!!! Cheers!
Matt and Annie,
I’ve been there, too. Not sure if I told you earlier or not. Miscarried between Ryan and Josh. I will admit to wondering for awhile how my life may have been different had that child been born instead of Joshua. We play the hands that life deals us, though, and we determine if they are winning or losing hands. See you both soon.
Bill…I did not know that, but I appreciate you telling us. It is odd, but as you say we deal with the hand given to us in those situations, and I’m okay with that. I suspect that’s why Annie and I didn’t lose our minds over this, we tend to focus on what we can control and move on…
Definitely see ya soon…stogie and booze!! LOL
You’re absolutely right.
I almost had an older brother or sister. Didn’t happen. My parents were about to give up and adopt when I came along… Sometimes it’s not the end, just a bump in the road on the way to a successful pregnancy. Only a doctor can advise you on that.
If anything, miscarriage might be more common now–or, rather, pregnancy can be identified earlier than when I was in the womb, and those first few weeks are the most risky. But there are more ways to help difficult pregnancies than there were 50+ years ago, too.
My sympathies to you now and best wishes for what ever you decide to do in the future.
Karen, thanks a bunch, I appreciate that. Indeed, on the medical side of things we are far better off now based on technology and so on, to have better knowledge at an earlier point. I like what you said, sometimes it’s just a bump in the road!! Cheers, and thank you again!
Sorry Matt & Annie fo hear of your loss. You know when we first found out we were pregnant with Julia it was very early and there were some complications. Our doctor thought it was not a normal pregnancy but that little girl was a fighter because she is here today! I had no clue what was happening to me, wasn’t sure if I was pregnant or what?! But your right, you start to understand life when its out of your hands and that you are just along for the ride! This won’t break you, but only make you better! Love you both!
Rebecca…we are doing good, just one of those things that surprised us I guess because how common these things are yet nobody seems to talk about it. I think that was my purpose in wiriting about it, was to simply talk about it. We appreciate your thoughts and I totally agree…things like this won’t break us, it gives you another life experience to pull from. Cheers to you!!
You guys never cease to amaze me. Adding my love and hugs to the pile you already have.
“Auntie” Sherree
(p.s. Also a member of “that” club)
Sherree, or Auntie Sherree!! lol…All we can do is focus on what we have power over…and that is our attitude. We’re doing good and appreciate your words and support! Seems most people are a member of that club or know many people that are…wacky!! Love ya!!